Flat

Feeling kinda flat tonight. I'm slowly realising there's not a lot to my life at the moment - I study in my bedroom, I go to the gym, occassionally I go to work and I've practically sold my soul to St Mary's!!

Studying is ok. It's long, but it's enjoyable and at least when it's over I'll have a degree to my name - always good!!

The gym is cool. It keeps me fit, helps me burn off unnecessary calories and now I have my ipod shuffle (thank you guys) I can even listen to worship music whilst working out :-) So it's mostly good - anything to keep losing weight ey?!

Work, as I said yesterday, is amazing. But as I also said yesterday, there's not that much of it coming my way at the moment.

And St Mary's. Well if I could get out now, I would. I used to love my church, it used to inspire me, it used to feed me, it used to help me grow and I used to enjoy going. But now, I'm rarely inspired, I don't feel like I've grown at all and I don't enjoy going. A few years back I remember a particular incident where a woman had rubbed me up the wrong way and I'd gotten really angry with her. I had to be reminded quite harshly at that time that church isn't about the people who go there, it's about Jesus. Someone asked me "Who is it that you're following is it that woman or is it Jesus?" Wow, what a whip back into reality! But I go along, I do Junior Church, I play the piano, I lead services, I preach, I do this, I do that and why? Well it's good to serve God right, but I'm pretty sure my heart's not in the right place! I don't want this entry to turn into a rant about my church, so I won't let it. But now I go to church because there are a handful of people there who I love and who encourage and inspire me on a more personal level. How wrong is that? It's as if I'm following the people again and not Jesus. What's up with my backward heart?! *mental note to self - gone off on a complete tangent, this post really wasn't meant to be about that!*

So that's my life; study, gym, work, church. And it ain't good!!

I saw Kaylee today and we were talking about my social life, or lack of it. And it got me thinking 'why?' I guess it's partly coz I don't actually have all that much money, so can't really afford to go out much. But it digs deeper than that, it's about friends and my social network. I know a lot of people and I guess I do have a lot of friends, but why don't we go out/do stuff? Is it coz they work? Is it coz we don't try to organise stuff? Is it coz our relationships are superficial? Why is it?! A bunch of who I'd consider to be close friends are infact a lot older than me and have families and jobs etc, so sitting in a pub or going to somewhere like reflex isn't necessarily their scene or am I just making that up? Have I actually asked them? I dunno!!

But I do think my social network is lacking. And that is becoz I spend so much time in isolation. Most of my friends are connected to St Mary's. Other than that, there are work colleagues, but I'd only actually ever meet one of them outside work coz I don't really know the others that well. Then there's band folk, but as I'm like the oldest one there I've only got a few friends in it now and I'd only go out with Beckie. But where else do I go?! Nowhere!!

So this has become a bit of a rant, but hey ho! It's helped me to articulate what's in my head and begin to work out why I'm feeling flat! If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!!