A quiet season

So today was a sad day - I was told I'm not gonna get asked to work as much coz pre-school are a bit short of cash at the moment. Lorraine said they'll ask me when they really need someone (like when Katy's has hospital appointments etc) but not just random times (like the afternoons I've been doing this month). So that made me sad.

I know it's no reflection on me, I know it's not personal, but it still hurts.

I love pre-school. It's weird coz when I first thought about working there I had so many questions about whether I'd enjoy it. I mean lets face it - how is playing with 2-4year olds for days on end fun? But it is. It is amazing. I never knew it could be so great. I've been given the privilege of helping these small children develop. I can do activities with them, we can discuss what they're doing, I can develop their understanding of things. It is such an amazing privilege and it brings me so much joy.

Being a part-time student doing a degree that lasts for 6 years isn't the most inspiring thing in life. Ok, so I'm genuinely interested in the degree and I am enjoying it, but that's not enough to make me see it through. My degree is no reason to get up each day. But pre-school is a reason to get up in the mornings. If I'm working I get up no problem, I'm eager to get there and get on with the session ahead coz I love it, I guess you could say I thrive on it. But when there are days I'm not working, getting up is hard, I have almost no reason to, unless I'm doing something or seeing someone special.

And despite knowing it really is no reflection on me, I still wonder why? Why is God letting this happen to me? Finally I find a reason to live, a purpose in life and its pretty much snatched up from under my feet. If I didn't need the money and I didn't need the fulfilment and I didn't enjoy it then it wouldn't be so bad. But I love pre-school and I do need the money and I do need the fulfilment, so why God? What's going on?

Praying for a miracle....